Method Madness: A Hamlet Parody
by CheshireGirl0913
Summary: Sequel to Fortune's Fool! Your favorite Creative Team is back together again to create the tragic tale of Hamlet on the stage with a new dysfunctional cast. Witness the craziness as Random Guy joins the Techies, Author keeps arriving late/ disappearing and the group questions what man "really" is.
1. Act One Scene One

**Well, I'm came home early 'cuz I got sick and I realized this:** _I promised my readers another parody and I've yet to do it_**. So here it is, the sequel to Fortune's Fool: Method Madness!**

* * *

Bernardo: (in an echoing sing-song voice) Fran-cis-cooo! (no response) FRAN-CIS-COOO! (again, no response) FRANCISCO!

Francisco: (appearing from behind a nearby pillar, annoyed) What? What is it, Bernardo? And you don't need to be so frickin' loud, I'm standing right here!

Bernardo: I was just going to say your hours up, geez! No need to get so upset!

Francisco: (awkwardly) Uh… Okay. Thanks.

Bernardo: Unless you actually _want_ to stay here, then-.

Francisco: (taking off like Road-Runner) No-thanks-bye!

Bernardo: Didn't think so.

(Enter Marcellus, another guard, and Horatio, acting like a grumpy old man, but clearly not an actual one.)

Horatio: Alright guys, this better be frickin' important. Is Norway trying to invade again?

Marcellus: (in the weird, high-pitched voice we all know if you get the previous reference(1)) Noooo Rashy! We found a magical candy mountain, Rashy! A magical candy mountain!

Horatio: (kinda weirded out) Okay, whatever, if this is all you dragged me out of bed over, I'm just going to go back to sleep.

Marcellus: (in normal voice)I'm just kidding, man. You've heard the stories about how King Hamlet's ghost is haunting the area, right?

Horatio: But King Hamlet is dead.

Marcellus: Well, of course, otherwise he wouldn't be able to haunt it! DUH! (Bernardo slaps Marcellus in the back of the head.) Sorry….

Horatio: Don't hate me for this, but… I don't think the ghost is… well, real.

(Marcellus and Bernardo gasp)

Bernardo: Shun the non-believer! SHUUUUUUNNNNN!

Marcellus: SHUUUUUHHHHHHNNNN-NAH!

Horatio: Oookay….

(Suddenly, the spirit of King Hamelt, otherwise known as The Ghost appears behind Horatio!)

Ghost: (haunting ghost noises)

Marcellus and Bernardo: (screams) It's the Ghost of Elsinore! (more screaming as the two run around in circles)

(Horatio turns around to see… Nothing.)

Horatio: You've got to be kidding me! There is no such thing as-…. (The Ghost appears from behind Marcellus and Bernardo.) …Ghosts.

(The guardsmen turn to see the spirit and once again scream and run in circles.)

Marcellus and Bernardo: GHOST!

Horatio: That's no ghost! That's- (he goes up to it to pull off what he assumes is a mask, but his hand goes right through the spirit. Awkwardly and now terrified, he backs away toward the two guards who hide behind the young scholar.)

Bernardo: Speak to it, Horatio.

Horatio: Why do I have to speak to it?

Bernardo: 'Cuz you're the educated one!

Marcellus: Yeah, the ed-yu-ma-kay-ted one!

Horatio: (sighs) Alright. (to the Ghost) Spirit! What is your business here? Why are you patrolling the towers of the great Elsinore Castle? (to the terrified guardsman) I feel like I'm on an episode of Ghost Adventures. (to the Ghost) We mean you no harm… as we all hope you don't with us. Please, Spirit. Why are you here? (The Ghost turns to leave) Wait, come back! I demand an answer!

Bernardo: Who do you think you are, the King of Denmark?

Horatio: (ignoring this remark) Come back! Please! (The Ghost is gone.) Damn, he's gone. (I just said that.) We must report this to Prince Hamlet.

Bernardo: Prince Hamlet? Why him?

Horatio: He has a right to know that his father is haunting Elsinore. He just might be able to communicate with the spirit. Let's go, but let's not tell him until after the party.

Marcellus: (laughing) Which one? (Is slapped on the back of the head by Bernardo again) Ow….

Horatio: C'mon men! (They leave)

Director: And cut! Great job, guys! Take five and we'll go to the next scene!

(A loud Tarzan-like yell is heard as Random Guy appears onstage, swinging from a rope. Tech Guy runs on after him.)

Random Guy: That was awesome! I never thought of how much fun it is to be a Techie!

Tech Guy: Be careful with that rope!

Random Guy: (letting go of the rope) Why? What's gonna happen? (A sandbag lands on top of Tech Guy.) Oh… that.

Director: (facepalm) Be a little more careful, kid. We don't need another accident like _last time_.

Random Guy: Hey! Tibs is out of the hospital now! Jules texted me and told me herself!

Tech Guy: (in disbelief) _She_ texted _you_?

Random Guy: It's a long story. (to the Director) So where's Little Miss Authoress? It's not like her to not be here.

Director: She texted me earlier telling me that she was sick and won't be around for a few days. She's mainly just been emailing me the script piece by piece.

Random Guy: She'll be back by tomorrow, you'll see. Until then, what's the worst that can happen?

(A kleiglight drops in front of him.)

Director: Piece of advice, I wouldn't utter that statement again. Truth be told, if you say that, something bad will happen.

Random Guy: Oh, like what happened with M-?

Director: Don't say it! Geez, have you ever been in theatre before?

Random Guy: Uh, no.

Director: You've got a lot to learn…. Can we get a broom over here please?

* * *

**Hope you guys enjoyed that first chapter. More to come, since I'm also reading it in English XD**

**(1)If you do not get this joke, type up "Charlie the Unicorn" on YouTube. Trust me, it's worth your time :)**


	2. Act One Scene Two

(King Claudius and Queen Gertrude enter the throne room with many partygoers. How are they party-goers you might ask? Well….)

Director: Hey, why does that one guy on the left have a lampshade on his head?

(Random Guy shrugs as loud music is being blasted from the Tech Booth. Everyone is dancing onstage, except for one: Prince Hamlet, who is dressed completely in black. Nobody really takes notice of this however as the Royal Couple stand center.)

Claudius: (singing) Party rock is in the house toni-ight! Everybody just have a good time! (stops and addresses the crowd as the music dies down) Alright…. Alright. Now I know it hasn't been long since the death of my brother. And I understand. Why, I still remember how when we were kids we would play practical jokes on the Duke of France! (The crowd laughs like they all do at a party.) I miss my brother dearly. But time goes on. We must live for those who have passed on for us. That is why I am glad to have married my beautiful wife, Gertrude. (Gertrude smiles.) Now, to more important matters: Prince Fortinbras of Norway has demanded the land his father lost to my brother to be returned. You shall be glad to hear that I have denied his request! (Cheers from the crowd!) Young Laertes- (Laertes steps forward) I believe you have something to ask of me?

Laertes: Yessir. I was wondering if I could return to France. I merely returned from France to witness your coronation. Now that my job here is done, I wish to return.

Claudius: Has your father given you permission?

Polonius: (stepping forward) I have with most certainty, undoubtedly, positively, undeniably, honestly said yes.

Claudius: Alright, then I give you my consent to leave, Laertes. (turning to Hamlet) Now, Hamlet, my son-.

Hamlet: I am not your son.

Claudius: (awkwardly) Alright then. You see, your mother and I feel you've been mourning for too long….

Gertrude: Please Hamlet, why don't you smile? Have some fun? All things must die eventually. It's common.

Hamlet: Aye, madam, it is _common_.

(Gertrude is slightly offended by the previous statement, but ignores the insult)

Claudius: (clearly offended) Son, stop acting like a girl and move on! This is ridiculous and immature! It's time you moved on! (calmer) Now, we feel it is best that you do not return to Wittenburg. You've worked hard on your studies long enough. Stay here with us.

Gertrude: Please, Hamlet, stay here. With us.

Hamlet: (sighs and rolls his eyes) I shall obey you, madam.

Claudius: (patting Hamlet on the head) That's a good boy! (to the crowd, who has witnessed everything) Now, let's partay!

(The party crew exits as Hamlet is left alone. He is about to speak when the Director audibly clears his throat.)

Hamlet: What?

Director: We're not removing this, but we are chopping this short.

Hamlet: What do you want me to talk about? The fact that my mom married my uncle, now my funckle, a month after the death of my father?

Director: Pretty much. Don't add all the depressing details. The last thing we need is everyone thinking you've gone all suicidal.

Hamlet: But I thought-.

Director: Moving on! Enter Horatio, Marcellus and Bernardo!

(They enter.)

Horatio: Hamlet! We have important news for you!

Hamlet: (excitedly) Claudius has been thrown down a ditch?

Horatio: No…. We saw your father.

Hamlet: Ah, at his grave?

Horatio: No! Here! He's haunting the towers on the castle! We need you to go up there with us tonight and talk to him.

Hamlet: (shrugs) Better than what I was originally going to do!

Horatio: What's that?

Hamlet: Absolutely nothing! Let's go!

(They exit the stage. All of the sudden, fog spurts out from backstage.)

Director: (calling from backstage) A little soon guys, but it's working! Thanks! Go ahead and turn it off!

Tech Guy: (emerges from backstage) Hey, boss, we've got a problem!

Director: What?

Tech Guy: We can't get it to turn off.

Random Guy: (to the Director, putting his hands up) It wasn't me this time, I swear!

Director: (shaking his head) Why must things always go wrong around here?

* * *

**If you haven't already noticed, yep, I'm still sick, but I'm giving you all the chapter anyway. Felt it was well deserved =D**


	3. Act One Scene Three

(The area is partly clouded as Tech Guy and Random Guy try to find the problem.)

Tech Guy: It's no use, it's jammed.

Random Guy: Well, can't we just yank out the batteries?

Tech Guy: Sure if you want to risk getting electrocuted and being sent to the hospital.

Random Guy: So what do we do then?

Tech Guy: Wait until it runs out of juice, I guess.

(Director walks off the stage, taking his usual seat in the audience.)

Director: Let's get moving, people! And… action!

(Enter Laertes with a suitcase and Ophelia, who's texting on a smartphone.)

Laertes: Bye, sis! Now you're gonna write me, aren'tcha?

Ophelia: Pft!

Laertes: What?

Ophelia: Are you serious? Write? What are we in, the seventeenth century?

Director: Actually-.

Ophelia: Why should I use snail mail when I have text messaging, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pintrest, Skype, Google Plus-?

Laertes: I get it. Now I want you to be careful while I'm gone. Especially around Hamlet.

Ophelia: Why? What's wrong with Hamlet?

Laertes: He's a grown man and you're still a young woman. And grown men have… well, responsibilities. And since he is a prince, he is going to have many of them. Just… be on your guard.

Ophelia: I suggest you take your own advice.

Laertes: (laughing) Don't worry, I will.

(Enter Polonius)

Polonius: How now, son? Shouldn't you be on your way? Go! (Laertes is about to exit when-.) But before you leave, know this: Don't say what you're thinking, and don't be too quick to act on what you think. Be friendly to people but don't overdo it. (Behind him, Ophelia is mocking him and his movements. Laertes smiles at this.) Only hold onto friends that you trust, but don't waste your time shaking hands with every new guy you meet. Don't be quick to pick a fight, but once you're in one, hold your own. Listen to many people, but talk to few. Hear everyone's opinion, but reserve your judgment. Spend all you can afford on clothes, but make sure they're quality, not flashy. Don't borrow money and don't lend it. (Turns to look at Ophelia, who stops herself and acts completely innocent) And this, above all, be true to yourself. Then you won't be false to anybody else.

Laertes: Goodbye, Father.

Polonius: Go, my son.

Laertes: (to Ophelia) Goodbye, Ophelia. Remember what I've told you.

Ophelia: (annoyed, but sister-like) I've got it! (shoves him playfully) Go!

(Laertes smiles and exits)

Polonius: (to Ophelia) What was that about?

Ophelia: (turning back to her phone) Oh nothing…. Just stuff about Hamlet.

Polonius: What has been going on between you and the young, youthful Prince? (takes the phone) And tell me the truth.

Ophelia: He's been offering some… affections.

Polonius: "Affections!" You don't seriously, undoubtedly, honestly believe that, do you?

Ophelia: I don't know.

Polonius: Then trust me when I say it is best not to believe him. The last thing this family needs is embarrassment after the last time, especially for me. I forbid you to see or speak to him. If he brings you gifts, deny them.

Ophelia: But Father-!

Polonius: No buts. The topic is now closed for discussion. Now do as I say. (hands her the phone, which she snatches back) Come along.

Ophelia: (sulkily) I shall obey, my lord.

(The fog has now built up to where it reaches the back of the auditorium.)

Director: Oh I hope those two know what they are doing…. That Author-Girl is gonna kill me.


	4. Act One Scene Four

**Another chapter up and running! Woohoo! Enjoy!**

* * *

(The stage fog continues to spread. The Director, Tech Guy and Random Guy are backstage, still trying to fix the problem at hand. The Director is pacing nervously.)

Director: Oh… this isn't good. When she comes back she is going to kill us.

Tech Guy: We have no choice, but to wait. I can't fix this.

Director: You're a Techie! Techies are supposed to be able to fix everything!

Tech Guy: I'm a set designer, NOT a technician!

Director: (trying to calm down) Alright, alright…. We just can't tell the Big Cheese about this.

Random Guy: You mean-?

Director: (nods) She can't know about this. The last thing she needs is a reason to come to work in her condition.

Random Guy: You just don't want her to think you can't handle things without her, can't you?

Director: Well, I…. (shakes off the shock) Never mind. Just don't tell her! Alright?

Tech Guy: You got it boss!

Director: (returning to his spot in the spectator seats) Start the scene!

(Enter Hamlet, Horatio and Marcellus, shaking like mad men.)

Hamlet: Damn! It's cold! Where are we, the Artic?

Horatio: We're on the highest tower of Elsinore Castle, milord.

Hamlet: (awkwardly) Ah… Okay then. So… how do we find this Ghost?

Horatio: Well we could-. (The sound of fireworks can be heard, shocking both the actors and the Creative Team.)

Director: Keep it down up there, Techies! The last things anyone needs to lose is an eardrum!

Sound Guy: (distantly) Sorry!

Horatio: What's that?

Hamlet: A party.

Marcellus: Ha! Which one?

Hamlet: I think the better question is what occasion. They are so focused on celebrating themselves so much that I bet they forgot the issues we've currently been having with Norway!

Ghost: (suddenly appearing) NORWAY?

Horatio & Marcellus: (terrified out of their minds) AHHHH! The Ghost!

Hamlet: (completely unfazed) Hi, Dad! (The Ghost motions for Hamlet to go with him.) Oh charades! You… point? No. You… wave? Motion? No. You…turn? No? Then wha-?

Horatio: (seeing this is getting absolutely nowhere) He wants you to go with him.

Hamlet: Oh! Why didn't he say so? (to the Ghost) I'll be right there, Pop! (The Ghost exits as Hamlet starts chasing after it)

Horatio: (pulling Hamlet away) Don't go, Hamlet! Do you want to end up dead?

Hamlet: (pulling out a gun, that looks highly like a prop gun) Do _you_ want to end up dead?

Marcellus: With _that_ toy? (Hamlet shoots. A bullet flies into the back wall, a lot of clanging sounds are heard.) Jeez, are you crazy?!

Hamlet: (shrugs as if the shot was nothing, then turns towards where the Ghost last exited) Dad, wait! I wanna talk to you!

(Awkward silence.)

Horatio: We should probably go after him.

Marcellus: Yeah….

(They exit, chasing after Hamlet. People start exiting the backstage area as more fog emerges.)

Director: What's going on back there? What happened?

Tech Guy: (emerging, pointing at Hamlet) The blank Han Solo shot over there was actually loaded.

Random Guy: You mean it was a real gun?

Tech Guy: Yep. (to the Director) It blew a hole in the fog machine. It's releasing gas everywhere!

Director: (panicked) What do we do?

Tech Guy: We'll call some type of gas leak removal service, but first we need to get everyone outside!

Director: (groaning) A service? But that's gonna cost us hundreds!

Tech Guy: We have to, otherwise we can't go on!

Director: (starting to cough) Fine! (to the actors and techies) Everyone outside now!

(Groans and cheers are heard as they exit to see it is cloudy with pouring rain.)

Director: (to Tech Guy) You were saying, Sherlock?

Tech Guy: Well fine, what do _you _suggest?

* * *

**In the words of television: We'll be right back after these messages ;D**


	5. Act One Scene Five

**We now return to our regularly scheduled chaos XD**

* * *

(The Creative Team (minus the Author) is standing in the theatre with a trillion fans on.)

Director: (to Tech Guy) You sure this will work?

Tech Guy: It's all we've got right now!

Director: (sighs) Alright…. Bring in the family!

(Enter the Ghost with Hamlet chasing him from behind)

Hamlet: Dad! Hey, Dad! Da-ad…. DAD!

Ghost: MARK ME!

Hamlet: Uh, sure….

Ghost: I must soon return to purgatory.

Hamlet: (stares at him, then to the Director, confused) Whatta-tory?

Director: It's a place that people believe where those who have a decent spiritual record, but have sinned end up for a while in the afterlife.

Random Guy: Think of it as the line to the bathroom when you really gotta go. (The Director gives him a weird look) You can't deny that's a decent description.

Hamlet: Alright then. (to the Ghost) Dad, why are you here? You're not pissed off about that snake bite, are you?

Ghost: Son, let me tell you a story.

Hamlet: Yippee! (hops on the Ghost's lap)

Ghost: (a little freaked out) Okay…. You see the kingdom-.

Hamlet: (whining) Da-ad! You're not starting it right!

Ghost: (sighs) Once upon a time-.

Hamlet: YAY!

Ghost: Your father was sleeping in his favorite orchard-.

Hamlet: Oooo….

Ghost: Then dark figure emerged and poured a poison in your father's ear, causing his blood to curdle and end his life.

Hamlet: (sad) Oh….

Ghost: That "snake" that stung your father… now wears his crown.

Hamlet: (snapping out of little kid mode) MY UNCLE?

Ghost: Yes. Hamlet, if you ever loved your father-.

Hamlet: Oh God!

Ghost: (annoyed) Well first off, quit interrupting me (Hamlet nods). Second, take revenge on this foul and most unnatural murder. But don't get your mother involved. You know how…emotional she gets. (Hamlet nods again. The Ghost looks out into the distance.) The sun is rising. I must go. Adieu. (walks away slowly) Adieu, Hamlet. Remember me. (exits)

Hamlet: (very serious now) I will, Father. I will honor your death. He said "Remember me." I will!

Horatio and Marcellus: (offstage) HAMLET!

(The two come running in, panting like dogs.)

Horatio: (out of breath) Okay…okay… you guys seriously need to add an elevator to this place! (to Hamlet) Hamlet! Thank God you're alive! He didn't hurt you, did he?

Hamlet: Nope. In fact, I feel fantastic! But listen, I want you to promise me something.

Horatio: Sure.

Hamlet: Tell no one of what you've seen tonight.

Horatio: (looks to Marcellus with concern) I don't know….

Hamlet: (pulls out his gun) Swear by my sword.

Horatio: Dude… that's a gun.

Hamlet: Swear by my sword!

Horatio: That's not technically a sword you know-!

Ghost: (out of nowhere) SWEAR!

Marcellus and Horatio: (terrified) Fine! We swear!

Hamlet: (putting the weapon away) Good. Come gentleman, let's turn in.

Marcellus: Into what? (Hamlet and Horatio smack him across the head) Ow….

(They exit as loud pounding is heard. The door slams open and the Author stands in the doorway with a gas removal team.)

Director: What the hell is she doing here?!

Tech Guy: (stammering) Well, I… um….

Random Guy: (reading between the lines) YOU BLABBED?

Tech Guy: Well, we couldn't get it past her without letting her know anyway!

(Author approaches her Creative Teammates)

Director: (nervously) Oh… uh, hi.

Author: I leave you alone for a couple of days and this is what happens.

Director: B-B-But I-!

Author: (sighs) It's alright. I won't even ask. Let's just get everyone back onstage. (walks away as everyone else just watches in shock)

Tech Guy: She didn't chew us out.

Random Guy: Is she still sick?

(The Director says nothing, clearly unsure of what to say or do.)

* * *

**That's right, peoples! I'm cured! Still a little stuffy and phlemed up at times, but I'm living. Can't wait to keep this going!**


	6. Act Two Scene One

**Wow, Act Two already! Let's go! :D**

* * *

(The Author takes a seat with her teammates.)

Director: Welcome back.

Author: Thank you.

Director: Things haven't quite been the same around here without you.

Author: You managed. For the most part.

Director: I blame our propmen for that.

Author: (shaking her head) No more guns in these plays.

Director: Right on. (speaking up) Action!

(Enter Polonius and Reynaldo)

Polonius: Alright, now here's some money. (hands it over to Reynaldo) Keep a close eye on my son. Make sure he's not doing anything to tarnish this family's reputation. Befriend him, but don't get too close. If anything, make sure he doesn't get into any trouble, even if it means creating trouble yourself.

Reynaldo: So it's alright if I have sex while I'm there?

Polonius: If it's the girl he's seeing, that's even better. Now go! (Reynaldo begins to walk away) Don't get lost!

Reynaldo: Yessir!

Polonius: Remember what I've told you!

Reynaldo: (getting progressively annoyed) Yeah!

Polonius: Don't eat the yellow snow!

Reynaldo: Goodbye, milord! (exits)

Polonius: (sighs) Some people…. Once your old and gray, they just don't want to listen anymore.

(A loud, ear-piercing scream is heard as Ophelia enters. The Director looks to the Author, who has a finger in her ear.)

Director: You okay?

Author: Sensitive eardrum. Can't handle loud noise frequencies.

Random Guy: (confused) Huh?

Author: Let me put it this way: Loud screams equals ouch!

Polonius: (geniuely concerned) Ophelia! What happened?

Ophelia: (traumatized) Hamlet! He just went into my room… he grabbed me… and wouldn't let go….

Polonius: He didn't hurt you, did he?

Ophelia: (shaking her head) He just stood there… staring at me! (breaks down and falls into her father's arms)

Polonius: (with a look of realization) He really loves you…. (more serious) We must tell the King and Queen. This lovesickness just might be the reason for his madness. Come. (they exit)

Director: Wow.

Author: What?

Director: That had to be the shortest, straight-to-the-point, scene you've written yet!

Author: (giving him a dirty look, but with a smile) Shut up….


End file.
